WARNING: This Blog contains spoilers, some adult content – and a LOT of ranting! All rage expressed in this blog must be taken with a pinch of salt.
There are good films and there are bad films. There are films that make you cry, films that make you laugh, films that make you warm inside, films that cheer you up, films that are incredibly badass and even films that are so bad they are good.
But then there is a rare type of film, for me anyway. A type of film that, for some reason or other – just REALLY pisses you off! Whether because everything about it is wrong, the overall message the film tries to convey is just infuriating, or just because the main characters are hateable in every way possible, there are movies that just make us want to rage.
And because I’ve been feeling a little bit peeved lately, I decided to put together my own list of films that, for any number of reasons, just really pissed me off! It wasn’t easy narrowing it down to 5 as there are a LOT of films I’ve seen that really got my hackles up. But I decided to go with films that made rage me the angriest. And today I bring to you, the Top Five Films That Pissed Me Off The Most!
Get your rage on folks – because like just like Goku, my rage is gonna be over 9000 by the end of this one!
First, some honourable mentions of films I couldn’t include in this list, but piss me off just the same.
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (because the main character is just so unlikeable and bratty), Napoleon Dynamite (again, because he’s unlikeable), The Wicker Man Remake (the reason why I despise remakes as a general rule), Lesbian Vampire Killers (what were Horne and Corden thinking?), Spider-Man 3 (the problems with this film could fill a whole blog on its own!) and Battlefield Earth (‘nuff said).
1. Fist of the North Star (Live Action)
Recently it was revealed that Ghost In the Shell was going to get a live action remake, with Scarlett Johansson in the title role. This has been met with mixed reactions from the Ghost of the Shell fanbase – and Anime fan base in general. Personally, I always am very suspicious when they do a live action remake of ANY Anime. The reason – this piece of garbage!
Fist of the North Star was one of the first Anime’s I saw – and to this day I still think it is one of the most badass stories out there! An ultra-violent cross between Mad Max and Return of the Dragon, it has enough blood and gore to fill an entire season of The Walking Dead. Sure, Kenshiro is stupidly overpowered – but he’s just so incredibly awesome! The guy can make you explode just by touching you – that’s pretty serious.
So I knew they could match up the same level of intensity that the Anime could. But they didn’t even TRY with this film! The special effects are cheap in every possible way, the acting is just so painful to watch that even Chris Penn and Malcolm McDowell (what were they thinking?) look uncomfortable – and they make serious errors with the narrative. Remember Shin? Kenshiro’s mortal enemy and master of Nanto Saiken, the most powerful martial artist next to Kenshiro? He kills Kenshiro’s master with a gun. A gun! *facepalm*.
But that’s only for starters. Remember Kenshiro’s attack Hokuto Hyakurestu Ken? The Hundred Crack Fist of the North Star? (or North Dipper Hundred Crack Fist if you want to get technical). They even manage to **** that up! They take one of the coolest moves from the Anime and... well, just see these comparisons for yourself and YOU decide which is cooler!
Oh and FYI, this bit is the ONLY instance where Kenshiro makes anyone explode when hitting them (not including a flashback scene). See? No consistency!
Overall this film is just bad and I think the fact that I know the original source material fairly well just heightens my anger. But in fairness this isn’t the ONLY instance of a franchise I really love being screwed over. Which leads me to...
I just want to start off my mini “review” by saying this – go to hell Michael Bay!
I remember I got my brother this film on DVD for Christmas one year – and to this day he maintains it is the worst present I’ve ever got him. But I can’t say I blame him. This film, and even this particular franchise, is just putrid! I’ve only seen the first two films of this series and I have absolutely no desire to see the others!
Like a lot of kids from the 80's, Transformers were one of my favourite cartoons growing up – I mean robots that could transform into vehicles? What’s not to love about this film? But watching this film was like seeing Michael Bay sodomise my childhood! It took everything that was cool about Transformers and drained it until it became a shell of its former self. The Transformers themselves just had no personality, not like in the cartoon – and to be honest, they were hardly in the movie! Most of it was just aimed at the human characters – and they sucked!
Not only that, but the film was just so... very... slow... the plot moved at a snail’s pace and, when stuff finally happened, it was just too fast paced to keep up! And this actually brings me onto another reason why I hate this film – the way the Transformers just went around fighting Decepticons and destroying everything in the path, putting humans in danger. However, in the original cartoons, the Transformers had respect for the humans, and I even remember one instance where they even broke away from a fight to save some humans that had been put in danger. But here, they just blast the crap out of everything without any care for human safety. Our heroes ladies and gentlemen!
Strangely enough, the only real argument that people have when trying to defend this movie is, to my knowledge, “The special effects are cool”. Well, yeah, I’ll admit that, the special effects are pretty awesome. But that’s not a good thing if that’s the only thing you can say about this film. Special effects alone do NOT make a good film – of course they can help, but story and characters is what make a film enjoyable. And this film has none of the latter. The story is slow, boring and, in the second film, rife with plot holes and the characters have about as much personality as dry paint.
One more thing I want to mention that annoys me about this film. Despite getting Peter Cullen (who voiced Optimus Prime in the original cartoon) back in, when Frank Welker came into reprise his role as Megatron, Bay said his voice was too soft – which is utter crap as Frank Welker’s Megatron is creepy as hell. Yet, when they did the video game tie-in of Transformers, who did they get to voice Megatron? Frank Welker! If his voice was too weak for the films WHY did they get him to voice Megatron in the video game? I dunno, maybe Hugo Weaving wasn’t available.
I said it before and I’ll say it again – go to hell Michael Bay!
3. The Human Centipede 2
Ok, so the last two on my list were probably more a case of “fan boy rage” than anything else. But this film I have a legitimate hatred for. This film makes me hate the human race. It is without question one of the most depraved films I’ve ever seen. And worst still, it has absolutely NO point whatsoever!
The Human Centipede was a film that caused a stir on release, but I thought was actually an interesting concept. Plus, at least it had a storyline and characters that you could root for – and the Doctor villain was just scary as hell! The Human Centipede 2 has none of that. All it is is some freak that captures people, tortures them and then tries to create his own Human Centipede, inspired by the film. Interesting idea and follows on the Film-Within-A-Film concept – but the execution of it is just horrible.
I actually don’t want to talk about this too long as just thinking about this film makes me sick. But I’ll just say this... there is no point to this movie. All this film represents is someone’s sick fantasy where characters are tortured whilst the main character... you know what, I’m not even gonna say. In fact, there’s a lot about this film I can’t say, because I really don’t want to gross anyone out. Look, I’m all for freedom of speech and all that – but if you honestly think that this is entertainment, you need to seek professional help.
I remember when this movie first came to UK they tried to ban it and in the end made several cuts to make it acceptable. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but this film SHOULD have been banned. It’s a film made purely for controversy and that’s not a good thing. If it had a statement or message to convey I wouldn’t mind it so much, but to me, this film is a waste of space that should have stayed in the confines of Tom Six’s mind.
**** this film!!!
4. Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith
Oh boy am I about to ruffle some feathers! Look, I love Star Wars and, like most fans, I’m excited about the new Star Wars film. I even love the new light saber design. But I have to be honest with myself – the prequel Star Wars films just did nothing for me. People try to convince me that they are good films – I disagree.
Don’t me wrong, there are some good things about them. I love the way it sets up the back story of the Empire and how the Clones came into production and that lot. But there are also a LOT of bad things about them. And for me personally, the main problem – is Anakin Skywalker.
Some of you may remember that I listed Padme in my Top Five Worst Heroes/Heroines blog and also gave an honourable mention to Anakin. The reason being is that I felt that a lot had already been said about him already – but as this blog is about films that pissed me off, I feel I should now give MY feelings about why Anakin ruined it for me.
For one, like most people – he was just too whinny and immature. You pretty much could have replaced his dialogue with a screaming baby and it would have been better dialogue. But also, his actions were villainous in places. His murder of the Tusken Raider village felt completely unjustified to me, even given that they tortured her (for the record, this scene would have been a lot better if Anakin had at least tried to get her out the village, a Raider could have fired on them and killed his mother – then Anakin would have gone bat-crap crazy. That at least would have been a bet justification for his actions). What’s makes it even harder to swallow is the fact that Padme completely glosses over it and it is never mentioned again!
Yes, I know he’s supposed to be reckless – that’s something that was mentioned in the original Star Wars films. But the whole point of these prequel series was that we were supposed to root for Anakin as the hero and watch his gradual descent into the Dark Side. But this guy was pretty much already in the Dark Side before the film barely started. Nothing about this character made me want to support him in any way, shape or form. If he had some likeable traits, I wouldn’t have minded so much, but because of this, I really just couldn’t care less about him.
But wait, I still haven’t given you a reason why Revenge of the Sith pisses me off yet, have I? Here’s why. The Darth Vader scene. Yeah, you know the one. That scene alone enraged me beyond belief. It could have been a moment when the series redeemed itself, as the moment where he becomes Darth Vader should have been one of the most awesome moments in the prequel series. But when he shouted “NOOOOOO!” everyone in the cinema laughed and I just hung my head in despair.
Ok, so I can forgive George Lucas for introducing that stupid Midi-chlorian idea. I can forgive him for the annoying robots of the Separatists. I can just about overlook the hidden racism of some characters. I can overlook the fact that Natalie Portman and Hayden Christiansen made a terrible on-screen couple. I can even JUST ABOUT forgive him for Jar-Jar Binks as he hardly appeared on the later films. But what I will NOT forgive is turning Darth Vader, one of my favourite villains, into a laughing stock. This scene came close to destroying my love of Star Wars. In fact, before you call me out on being an angry fan boy, I can actually tell you a BETTER way that this scene should have ended.
Ok, so Anakin becomes Vader. He asks where Padme is, Palpatine says “You killed him”. He goes silent for a few moments – then says “I see...” BOOM! Move to the Dark Side complete, this would symbolise the death of Anakin AND preserve his integrity.
Let’s hope that J.J. Abrahams can do a better job in the next Star Wars films. And considering that I never really liked Star Trek, but thought the recent films were awesome, I have no reason to doubt these films will be equally as good. But for these prequel films (in particular Revenge of the Sith), they can just do one!
Hahaha, just kidding! I may have my issues with this film, but it didn’t really make me angry as such...
The real number 5. Batman and Robin
But I am not joking around when I talk about THIS film! This film was one of those few rare films that not only pissed me off in every way possible. It made me so angry that I HAD to see another film that day just to watch the taste away. So after leaving the cinema, I ran straight to a video rental story (remember those) to get another film. I can’t remember what film it was (I think it might have been Speed) but even that couldn’t wash the horrid taste from my mouth!
So everything about Batman and Robin is just terrible - that much we all know. It can’t decide whether it wants to be cheesy or dark, the puns just really dig under your skin on you (you think a film where Arnie was giving the puns would be enjoyable, but no!), Batman has a bat credit card – and bat nipples? Really? How did THAT get approved?
But despite all this, there is ANOTHER reason why I hate this film so much. It completely messes up one of my favourite characters from the Batman comics. Bane. In this film he is a sidekick to Poison Ivy, a mindless thug that just grunts and acts stupidly.
*Entering Rage Mode in 3... 2... 1...*
DID JOEL SCHUMACHER EVER READ THE COMICS? Bane was one of the few villains that could match Batman for brawn AND brains and he did what no other villain had done to Batman up until then. He broke his back! But he didn’t do it by just charging in willy nilly. No! He wore Batman down, put him through an endurance test and, only when he was at his weakest did he attack him. This guy is a legend among Batman villains in my eyes. AND THEY DID THIS TO HIM?!?
DAN MAD! DAN SMASH!!!
Ok... so you guys may have noticed a theme with a lot of these Top Fives – they are all angry at the ways characters are shown. Yes, I’ll admit a lot of this blog has been mostly fan boy rage – but let me explain. Like anyone, I have my own list of favourite characters from comics, books, video games, etc. Don’t get me wrong, I never expect them to be 100% accurate when they are portrayed on the big screen – but what I expect is for them to at least show respect to the character and keep as close to them as possible. When they don’t, yeah I get a little mad – because to me it feels like they are disrespecting them. Come you, you guys have felt the same at some point, right?
Thank god Tom Hardy portrayed Bane the correct way in The Dark Knight Rises, despite his voice being totally wrong and they left out the whole Venom thing. But at least he FELT threatening and could overpower Batman...
*sigh* I think I need to stop before I burst a blood vessel. Thank you guys for letting me rant. What films enraged you beyond belief. Please let me know in the comments below.
And now, just so I can calm down... here is a picture of a cute kitten.
Have a great weekend.
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