(Authors note: Due to the content of this blog, I would like to say that the following is based purely on personal opinion and is not intended to offend or be inflammatory. Take it with a pinch of salt).
In the world of films, there are a number of directors I have a huge respect for and admire (such as Chris Nolan, Steven Spielberg, Stanley Kubrick and Francis Ford Coppela to name a few), directors that I’m indifferent to, but still think can do some pretty good films (like Zach Snyder, Edgar Wright and Sam Rami) and also directors that I don’t especially like (Catherine Hardwick, Joel Schumacer, Eli Roth and Uwe Boll). But Michael Bay is a rare type of director for me. He is a director that I LOATHE with a passion!
(Note: I couldn't get any good pics of Mr Bay - But found this pretty good one from Wikipedia, which I think the above sums up my feelings on him).
I hate Michael Bay and everything he stands for! He is, in my eyes, the epitome of everything wrong with Hollywood. His movies might be big on budget and have some pretty cool CGI, but they contain bland, overly stereotypical (and sometimes downright racist and sexist) characters, terrible clichéd dialogue, snail-paced story and vomit inducing camera angles. Everything about a Michael Bay movie just screams “plastic,” pandering to every single cliché or pop culture with the only intention of bringing in money for the studios. Ok, maybe The Rock and Bad Boys were ok, but he hasn’t made a good one since in my eyes!
But the MAIN reason why I hate him? Because he makes a habit of destroying previous franchises when he makes a film of them. Rather than staying true to the source material, he always has to change every single thing about them and transform them into a bastardised version of what they used to be, whether he directs or produces them. Transformers, Friday the 13th, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Nightmare on Elm Street – I could go into detail as to how these versions were totally butchered versions of their original counterparts but I’d be here all day. And don’t even get me STARTED on how he plans to do the next Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film.
In view of this, I decided to create my own game called “The Michael Bay Makeover”. In this game (inspired by an idea by Youtube sensation LittleKuriboh), Michael Bay has decided to make a movie of Trapped on Draconica. Using what I’ve seen in previous Michael Bay movies, I’ve decided to use my own ideas of how I think my book will be adapted – or mutilated! It’s just for fun, but I don’t think what I’ve done here is too far off!
Now, this does require some of you to know the story of Trapped on Draconica so if you haven’t read it yet, you might want to do that first (don’t you love shameless self promotion?). Ok, here we go.
1) Ben will probably be made into an American. This I don’t have a problem with by any means I would actually accept this change. But knowing Mr Bay he will probably make Ben spill out “gangsta slang” every five seconds and become annoying and (possibly) more of a racial stereotype than Jar Jar Binks. (Yes I know Ben does talk modern slang in the book – but with Michael Bay he would probably ram this down our throats).
2) Daniar will probably be changed from a strong heroine to a bitchy, whiny damsel in distress that’s only job is to look pretty from the sidelines. Characters like Rana will probably be omitted completely. After all, we can’t have a strong female lead in a Michael Bay film, can we?
3) By contrast, Kalak will probably be made more heroic – rather than the dark anti-hero that he is.
4) Zarracka will probably be Gothon’s daughter and wear less clothing than she does already purely for the sake of getting more males to drool over her.
5) Emperor Gothon will just be an evil emperor and Mr Bay will remove his motives in the book so that he’s just your standard movie villain. What? Villains that have deep, complex characters in a Michael Bay movie? Perish the thought!
6) The move will be about 3 hours long and 2 hours of that will just be Kalak and Daniar trying to get laid – and Ben being an annoying prat. The story will actually not really move along until about 40 minutes left, whereby they will try and cramp in too much crap at once.
7) It’ll probably turn out that the dragons of Draconica are actually aliens – and no, the dragons are NOT aliens in Trapped on Draconica.
8) The fight scenes will be close up camera shots with quick changes and lots of slow down and speed up.
9) He’ll probably get Linkin Park to do a song in it. Actually, I kinda like Linkin Park so this is one change I’m happy with. Although personally I think Dream Theater would be more suited to this movie.
10) He’ll probably work in something whereby the Baalarian Empire will arrive on Earth and start messing crap up – just for the excuse to have the military come in and have countless explosions. By this point the story will have probably gone on such a tangent that the audience doesn’t care anymore.
11) It will be filmed in 3D to show off the special effects – as will my tears be in 3D as I watch my story being butchered horribly and wondering why I ever sold the rights of my book to Mr Bay.
So those are just MY ideas of what I think Michael Bay would do. And in view of that, I will NOT be selling my book rights to Michael Bay - if he ever asks me that is, which I doubt he will.
How do you think that Michael Bay will turn YOUR book into a film? Please let me know if you have your own Michael Bay makeover ideas. Maybe we can get a little game going!
Thanks for reading guys and have a Happy Easter! For those interested there is still time to take part in the Read2Review Easter competition.