Film quotes are just awesome aren’t they? Even if we have never seen a film, sometimes a line from it are so iconic that we just automatically associate it with a film. Whether it’s the iconic “You talking to me?” quote from Taxi Driver, the haunting “I’m gonna make him an offer her can’t refuse” from The Godfather, or just the over the top but amazing awesome “THIS IS SPARTA!” from 300, the right quote from a film can lead a lasting impression on you for ages to come.
But sometimes, film quotes make a film famous for an entirely different reason. Whether it’s because it’s such a stupid line, said in a stupid way – or just completely over the top and nonsensical, occasional a film quote can make a film infamous as opposed to famous.
On today’s Top Five, I look at the Top Five “So Bad They Are Good Lines In Films. These are all lines that are so ridiculous and, in some cases, utter rubbish, but are still entertaining, if for all the wrong reasons! Most, if not all the ones mentioned below have started off an internet meme in some way or another – and today I honour them!
So, as before, this Top Five is in no particular order and based only on film lines I find really funny and crazy. I’ll also include links to Youtube videos where possible. But first, an honourable mention.
“If this is Justice, then I’m a banana!” from Angel Cop
Yes... you read that right. This is an actual line in this OVA. Angel Cop has got to be, one of the absolute worse Anime OVA’s I’ve ever seen in my life! The animation is sub par at best, the storyline is just a mess of ideas thrown together, and the voice acting – dear god! I’ve seen five year olds that are unable to read do better acting then these guys. Not only that, but the original Japanese version of this is very anti-Semitic as the Jews are the main villains in the story. This of course was changed in the English dub and subtitles, but even so, that’s pretty harsh!
Anyway, as I said, this film is bad in a number of ways – but it’s the scene in question that really makes it stand out as a terrible example of Anime in the 80’s and 90’s. In the final “climatic” battle, the heroine, Angel is forced to shoot her partner to help defeat the main villain, by destroying the cybernetic suit he wears (just go with it). Angel aims her gun and then relents her bad luck by saying “If this is justice, then I’m a banana!”
This is one of those moments where you just stop, think, “Did she just say what I thought she said?” and then burst out laughing. It is hands down one of the most hilarious moments in Anime history. Ok, I know sometimes that things get mistranslated and lost when foreign films are sent over to be dubbed into English (Japanese translation is notorious for this), but I am sure that this was NOT what was supposed to be said. But even so, it makes the scene so damn funny! This should be an internet meme if it’s not already! If anyone reading this wants to start it, go right ahead! Please it would make my day!
Now, unfortunately I can’t find a sample of this without showing you most of the movie, and I really don’t want to subject you guys to this as it is really bad! But if you can come across this scene on the internet somewhere then it will be worth it for a chuckle! XD
Right, now onto the main show! The first one in our list is...
1. “Oh my GOOOODDDDDDDDD!” from Troll 2
The unofficial sequel to the first Troll movie (which is somewhat infamous as it contains a character in it called Harry Potter, who uses magic. And this came out BEFORE the Harry Potter stories. Have to question where JK Rowling got her inspiration from!) and widely considered one of the “best” worse movies of all time (in fact it was even the subject of a documentary film), Troll 2 follows the Waits family as they visit the town of Nilbog, only to be assaulted by a group of angry goblins.
This film was dogged with problems from the word go. The director, Claudio Fraggaso and his crew were all Italian and spoke no English whatsoever, meaning that all lines in the script had to be read verbatim. This, coupled with the cast having little to no experience in acting, lead to the film being a real mess of a picture and to be panned critically – although it has a huge cult following.
Perhaps one of the most famous – or infamous – moments of the film is this scene here, where a teenager witnesses his girlfriend turned into a plant and then savaged by a group of goblins. In a “Captain Obvious” moment, he exclaims “They’re eating her. And then they’re going to eat me. Oh my GOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDD!”
You gotta love how the guy looks more confused that frightened, but this poor reading, coupled with the somewhat creepy music, does actually make for a hilarious scene and one that has been parodied many times. Personally, I think EVERY horror movie today should have a scene like this! It may even make a few of them watchable! There are, of course, many more classic moments in Troll 2, but this one stands out due to the sheer lack of any emotion whatsoever, even though the music tries desperately to convey some horror. Can’t blame them for trying.
2. “You are tearing me apart, Lisa!” from The Room
Oh boy... this film is just... wow! The Room is considered by many to be the “Citizen Kane of bad movies.” Nothing about this film works! It’s plot has so many holes and points that are raised and abandoned at once (such a scene where the mother of one of the characters mentions she has cancer – and then it’s NEVER mentioned or alluded to again), terrible pacing and acting and even some scenes that make no sense whatsoever – such as a scene where all the male characters get dressed up in tuxedos and go and play football. Why do they do it? Er... because the plot says so?
This is the film that made Tommy Wiseau a star in his own right. Originally intended to be a novel and then a play, The Room was later turned into a film and finaned by Wiseau himself - is that alarm bells ringing I hear? With such a low budget and a cast that wouldn’t know the term “acting” if it kicked them in the nether regions, it’s Tommy Wiseau’s performance that stands out as one of the craziest. Not only does he just look like a bizarre cross between Frankenstein and Mick Jagger from the Rolling Stones, his voice just sounds like a mash of different accents. Also, his acting is just something that HAS to be seen to be believed. And how many times can one man say “Oh hi” in one movie. For me personally, my favourite scenes is when he tries to taunt people by going “cheap, cheap, cheap” and the scene in the flower shop.
But the absolute GOLDEN moment for this movie, and the one which will stay with you forever, is the classic scene when Johnny (Tommy’s character) confronts Lisa, his girlfriend about her spreading lies about him. He expresses his anguish by crying out “You are tearing me apart, Lisa!” I warn you, what you are about to see is possibly one of the most epic moments in film history.
Dear god! This scene is just AWESOME! I’ve never seen anyone look so nonchalant and yet try to be so overdramatic at once. And the way he brings his arms down to accentuate the point just makes it all the more funnier. The sad thing is, this is the closest that ANYONE gets to acting in the whole film. This scene is so famous that even The Simpsons parodied it in the episode where Lisa goes out with a vampire.
Due to strong word of mouth, The Room has become a cult classic amongst film watchers – and there was even a time where The Room did a mini tour in the smaller cinemas in the states. If you get a chance to see this film then I highly recommend it. You’ll be laughing your ass off most of the time, but you won’t regret it!
Containing a scene that is considered to be the “Worse line reading ever” on Youtube (which is the subject of this part of the blog), Tough Guys Don’t Dance is a somewhat obscure crime thriller film that no one really talks about anymore. With good reason. It sucks! And yes, I have actually seen it for nothing more than morbid curiosity.
Anyway, in this scene, actor Ryan O’Neil (who was actually a pretty decent actor for his time) is reading a letter from his ex-girlfriend, explaining that her husband is having an affair with his wife. His reaction? Well, see for yourself!
You gotta love how the camera spins round at the end, trying to be overly dramatic but just coming across as utterly dizzying. Even the overly dramatic music can't take away from the terrible acting. It may be one of the worse line readings ever, but it is just so damn funny! Again, this is something that has become a bit of an internet meme and parodied a few times. Heck, I even once considered parodying it in one of my novels, but decided against it.
According to what I read on Wikipedia, the scene was never really intended to be show due to the poor acting of O’Neil, but Norman Mailer, the Director, kept it in because he thought that it was quite funny. This, however, jeopardised his friendship with O’Neil as the actor thought it could cripple his career, considering he had been nominated for an Academy Award a few years prior.
Like most bad movies it has its own cult following and this scene certainly has rejuvenated its popularity. But for me, this film is just garbage.
Speaking of which, can anyone tell me what day it is today?
4. “Garbage Day!” from Silent Night, Deadly Night 2
Ah yes, THIS scene! I honestly think that this must be the most parodied scene of all time. You just need to do a Youtube search to find a TON of videos that parody this moment.
Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 is (obviously) the sequel to Silent Night, Deadly Night, which is considered one of the original slasher horror movies and a cult classic. The sequel, however – not so. Mainly because half of the movie just shows scenes from the first film as “flashbacks”. So in actual fact, Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 is only HALF a movie. This was due to the fact that there were only given a very small budget for this film, even being told to re-edit the first film and pass it off as a sequel! That’s lazy! But the director wanted to make a new film, though he only had a very small budget and could only shoot a few scenes.
Anyway, in one of the most notorious moments in the film, Ricky (the brother of the killer in the first film), goes on a rampage down a small town, stopping by a hapless citizen that just happen to be putting out his trash. Ricky screams “Garbage Day!” before gunning him down.
This moment is just... weird. I mean, it just looks so ridiculous and the way that Ricky says “Garbage Day!” just comes across as bizarre. But funny as hell! You also gotta love how the man holds up his garbage can like it will protect him from a bullet. The ending, where Ricky blows on the end of his gun and laughs wickedly is just cheesy.
But overall, it’s a stand out scene in a cruddy film and, like I said, one that has been parodied many times before. Some examples include Opposite Day, Judgement Day, St Patrick’s Day to name a few. Even the internet reviewer the Cinema Snob, did his own version of Christmas Day, when he realised that no one had ever done that before.
Just goes to show that even the shortest scene of the most obscure movie can have a massive cultural impact!
5. “I’ve had it with these mother****ing snakes on this mother****ing plane!” from – oh you should know the film!
Yeah, you all knew THIS was coming! Let’s be honest, with a film like Snakes on a Plane, you know what type of film you’re getting. It’s not exactly going to be an Oscar worthy drama, but a cheesy B-movie that’s just fun to watch without needing to give too much attention to. Snakes on a Plane is also famous for being one of the few films to get media attention BEFORE it came out. God bless viral marketing!
Honestly, I’m not really a big fan of this film. I think that, surprisingly, it takes itself too seriously on occasion. But it is a film that certainly delivers what it says on the tin. But I do love Samuel L. Jackson’s performance! He is just the ultimate actor for film quotes. From his AK47 line in Jackie Brown to his many quotable lines in Pulp Fiction, to name a few, you know exactly what you’re gonna get from this guy.
But of course, the line he’s most famous for, is this line – said at the end of the movie where he just lets everyone know his frustration at the situation they are in.
“Enough is ENOUGH! I’ve had it with these mother****ing snakes on this mother****ing plane!”
This is a testament to Samuel L. Jackson’s uber-cool acting ability. Who else do you know that could take a line that stupid, badly written and awful – and STILL make it sound badass? Can you imagine Sly Stallone or Arnie trying to say that line? Or even worse... Jean Claude Van Damme? Seriously, no one can touch this line but Sam Jackson – the king of one liners and film quotes!
But, as silly as that line sounds, it’s the TV edit that makes this line even MORE hi-larious (and yet, I did intentionally spell it that way XD) and that's the video I want to show you guys!
Monkey fighting snakes on a Monday-Friday plane? Genius!
So there are the Top Five So Bad They Are Good Film Lines. What are the film quotes that made you crease yourself laughing at how bad they were? Please leave a comment below to let me know what you thought!
All videos were uploaded by various Youtube users, but are copyright of their repsective owners.
Everyone loves a good hero. In fact, a hero is the basis of all great storytelling. Whether they are an underdog, a warrior, or just someone that wants to make something of their lives, a good hero/heroine will keep the audiences sympathies and keep them entertained throughout as they follow their journey from beginning to end, supporting them all the way.
But sometimes, just sometimes, you come across a hero or heroine that is just so unlikeable, you just want to punch them! Whether it’s because they are selfish, badly written, or just plan villainous in their actions, these are the type of characters who just want to make you sarcastically cry out “Our hero, ladies and gentlemen!” (apologies to Linkara)
And today, in this blog, I look at my personal Top Five of what I consider to be the worse heroes/heroines ever written. These are the Top Five characters that, for some reason or another, just p*** me off! And maybe they will to you to. So let’s get down to it.
A few things before I start, because I’ll probably open a hornets’ nest in this list. Firstly, I WILL mention some characters that are beloved by many, so please bear in mind that A) this is just MY opinion and B) this is not 100% serious and not intended to be taken entirely seriously. I will elaborate on why I think these characters are so unlikeable as heroes so as to justify their reason for being here. Hopefully I won’t get trolled too much for this!
Anyway, before we start, some honourable mentions.
Bella Swan from Twilight and Anakin Skywalker from Star Wars Prequels
Yeah, yeah, I know that EVERYONE and their mother has done blogs/videos about these characters and how they are so obnoxious, whinny and completely transparent (just to name a couple of examples, the Nostalgia Critic Listed Bella as number one in his Top 11 Dumbasses in Distress videos and the Distressed Watcher did a whole video on the Star Wars Prequels, listing how Anakin was a whinny little brat), and personally I don’t have anything more to add to that.
Besides, the examples I’m giving I fell are WORSE than Bella and Anakin put together! So let’s go on, shall we?
1. Duke Nukem of the Duke Nuken Games
Duke Nukem may have wow’d the video game world with his early games – but since Duke Nukem Forever he’s become somewhat of a pariah. Now I’ve played Duke Nukem Forever and it’s not really as bad as people say it is – but after about 12 years in development, you would have expected something a little better than this.
So, what don’t I like about Duke Nukem? Well, in many ways, he is pretty cool. His voice has a cool, Clint Eastwood type tone, he can kick alien ass while cracking jokes, and he just oozes machismo from everywhere – making him kinda like a cross between James Bond and Arnold Schwarzenegger. But honestly, I find him one of the most sexist characters in video game history.
Not that I’m trying to sound like a feminist, but I kinda have a problem with the fact that the only female characters in the game are scantily clad strippers, nude women who have been abducted, or just random chicks who want to get off with Duke. This isn’t the 40’s anymore, this kinda of attitude just doesn’t work in this day and age. Ok, so I may have written a few sexy females into my stories – but I do at least try and give them a personality to go along with it so that they aren’t just there for fan service.
Now, Duke Nukem does have a certain level of parody to it, so I wouldn’t really be worried about this too much – if not for the hive level in Duke Nukem Forever. In that level, he finds that women have been abducted and impregnated by aliens (there is even a scene where a couple of hookers from the beginning of the game explode with aliens from their belly and dying in a completely inappropriate way) and he has to kill them to stop the aliens coming forth. Does he show any remorse or sympathy for killing these poor women to save their pain? No, he just continues to crack jokes and doesn’t show any hint of sympathy for his actions. That is just despicable! And don’t even get me started on the “wall boobs” scene.
Overall, Duke’s type of humour just feels dated and few I think would actually find him funny. I get the odd chuckle from here there and now, but otherwise I just find Duke a really unlikeable hero – especially with his attitude towards women.
2. Light Yagami, AKA Kira from Death Note
Even thought I have an interest in Anime/Manga, Death Note is just one of those stories that I’m just not really into. Main reason – I think the main character is just a complete monster. Some people have praised the fact that Light (aka Kira) is a character that you can both love and hate, but honestly, I just can’t stand the guy. Even though I get his motivations, I just can’t support him.
For those who don’t know this series (adapted from a Manga and turned into an Anime and live action film), Death Note is about a boy that comes into possession of the Death Note, a book that kills anyone when someone’s name is written on it. Light uses this book to start killing the criminals of the world (along with a personification of Death), but eventually becomes corrupted by power and gains a god complex. The crux of the story features a team of investigators trying to track down Kira (as he has named himself), led by L – a highly intelligent young man determined to bring him down.
Now, I can understand Light’s motives to a certain level – he wants to bring justice in the world. But the problem I find is that he is willing to put innocent people – even members of his own family – in danger to do so! I’m sorry, but I can’t support anyone like that! If Light had some sort of redeeming qualities to his character (in the way that Tony Soprano did) then I would probably get behind him a little more. But because he is so focused on his goal and doesn’t care who he has to step on to do so, then I just wished he would get his comeuppance.
Luckily (SPOILERS AHEAD!) he does! Eventually he is caught and trapped. But Light, in his arrogance, summons the spirit of Death, telling him to write a name in the Death Note to show his power. Death writes in Light’s name, having grown tired of him, and finally Light gets a taste of his own medicine! Even though his death is kinda drawn out, it is satisfying to see the cocky little s*** beg for his life.
Light is quite possibly one of the worst heroes in Anime – possibly even in existence. I would say he is just as bad (if not worse than) King Joffery from A Game of Thrones, or A Song of Ice and Fire if you want to go by the book series. Sorry to any Death Note fans reading this, but I just really don’t like this character.
3. Napoleon Dynamite
I’m probably one of the few people that didn’t find Napoleon Dynamite the least bit funny – partly because I found the main character so unlikeable! How unlikeable?
Well, I’m gonna leave a link to a video by The Cinema Snob, from his The Worst Films of the Decade (done back in late 2009), in which he featured Napoleon Dynamite on there. Skip the video to around 14:32 and listen to what he says about the character of Napoleon Dynamite – because pretty much everything he says in that video is what I would say about the character and I would just be repeating him! (Contains some swearing).
This one not many of you will probably know about – and for good reason. Limbo of the Lost is a point and click adventure that was released around 2008 for the PC – but was quickly halted and pulled from sale. Why? Because it was discovered that the backgrounds were ripped off from other games, Elder Scrolls, Return to Castle Wolfenstein, Thief – even the opening sequence is directed ripped off from a scene in the Spawn movie! And that’s just SOME of the things they plagiarised. Nowadays, copies of the game are kinda hard to find and are somewhat of a collector’s item – but as a game it is just horrible! The animation is poor, the story makes no sense and the acting is just terrible!
But anyway, onto the character of Benjamin Spooner Briggs (who has a perfect English accent in this game, even though I’m pretty sure the original Captain Briggs was American – please correct me if I’m wrong). After the sailing of the Marie Celeste, Briggs was taken by two supernatural beings and forced into the land of Limbo, where he must try and find a way of escape and overcome his fears.
Pretty basic story, but the way Briggs has to do this usually revolves around people getting hurt in some way, shape or form. And does he show any remorse to it? Not a bit! He walks across a wooden board, causing dust to fall into someone eyes, causing them to be eaten by a wood insect – barely bats an eyelid. He has to look at a paper to get some information, so rather than just asking if he could have a look, he blinds the poor fellow! Not only that, but when he’s investigating several mysterious deaths by a mad cult, resulting in many more people dying in the process, does he show even the slightly hint of remorse? Nope! Not at all.
Ok, so compared to others on the list, he isn’t that bad a character – but he doesn’t seem to show any real emotion to the things going around him – nor does he really make any attempt to understand the characters around him and their plight. But mainly, he’s just a dull character and you can’t really get behind him because he has no personality.
But there is one thing I WILL show you – the ending to Limbo of the Lost. It is one of the most bat**** crazy things I’ve ever seen in my life! Normally I would give a spoiler warning, but because this game is so bad, and has no real story, I think I can get away with this.
Ok, now onto number 5. Boy and I about to open Pandora’s Box on this one!
5. Padme Amidala from Star Wars Prequels
Remember how I said at the beginning that there were worse characters than Anakin Skywalker and Bella Swan? Well, here she is! Padme Amidala! Possibly the worst heroine in the history of Star Wars - and even fiction itself!
Now, I’ll admit, at first I found this character just mildly annoying. She was bland, didn’t do anything and her relationship with Anakin was just plain awkward and the dynamics between the two characters was non existant. Which is a shame as I think Natalie Portman is a fantastic actress (her roles in Leon and Black Swan were just amazing), so she was wasted here. But after reading a blog that appeared in my Triberr stream, going onto explain why Padme is one of the worst characters ever (I can’t remember the name of the blogger, nor remember the link, but if that person is reading this, then thank you for opening my eyes) I now have to say I totally 100% agree with everything she said and can’t believe that I missed it the first time.
Like I said, at first I thought Padme was just a bland character that served little than a plot device – but there are two instances which highlight her as both an unlikeable heroine and an idiot. Spoilers follow.
The first is from Attack of the Clones when Anakin admits to her that he slaughtered an entire village of Sand People, the ones who took his mother. He even admits to killing women and children and saying how much he hated them. How does Padme react to this? “Being angry is to be human!”
Ok, two things. Firstly, in The Phantom Menace, Yoda explained that anger is one of the powers of the Dark Side of the Force. So you do NOT say this to a Jedi – and being around Jedi’s for so long she should know this. Secondly, he just admitted that he committed mass genocide and her reaction was just “Meh, s*** happens.” ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Maybe Padme just has a thing for murdering maniacs – she and Kratos from God of War should hook up!
But the second thing, which is what the other blogger mentioned, is what cements her as the worst heroine ever. In Revenge of the Sith, after she is choked by Anakin, she is taken to a medical bay. The doctor says that she is dying, even though she is medically fine – she has just lost the will to live. Not only that, she is pregnant with twins (who we know will be Luke and Leia). But all she can think about is Anakin, the guy that tried to kill her.
So, let me get this straight – she’s about to die, about to leave her two children motherless, and all because she can’t stop thinking about a guy who tried to kill her. WHAT A COW!!! I mean seriously! How dumb is this b****?
Now some Star Wars fans have defended Padme, saying that she believes that she can turn him back to the side of good and be a pure source for him. Sadly, I don’t buy that for one second. I find it hard to believe that ANY woman, no matter how much she cared for a man, would want to associate herself with a murdering, needy freak like Anakin, unless she herself was not right in the head. To me, the whole Padme/Anakin thing seems to glorify abusive relationships and tell the audience that it’s ok to be in one. And that is just horrible!
It’s a shame, because Padme is really the only female character in the series (aside from a few female Jedi and some other minor characters), so the series is lacking a good, strong heroine. And the heroine that is in it is little more than a dumbass in distress. I never thought I’d say this, but Padme is so bad, she even makes Jar-Jar Binks tolerable!
Ok, so that’s my list. Hope you enjoyed it and please leave a comment below. Do you agree or disagree with me? Is there a hero/heroine that I missed out? Please let me know as I would love to hear it.
And just to finish off, Happy St Patricks Day everyone! Go out and, as Father Jack from Father Ted would say – DRINK!
Just for the sake of people that don't know what "cosplay" means - it's when people dress up as their favourite characters from Manga, Anime, Video Games, Comics and the like. I decided to do my own cosplay a while ago - based around a character in my books! (What do you mean I'm cheating?)
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you my own cosplay of a character of my own creation - The Man in Shadow!
The Man in Shadow is the villain of the next Draconica novel Legacy of the Dragonkin (out next year), but his motives are somewhat shrouded in mystery. He is a demented, darkly humourous character that is prone to vicious mood swings. He can be laughing his head off one moment, then turning extremely violent the next! He is also prone to terrible coughing fits and requires the usage of an unknown chemical that he injects through his neck. He is called "Man in Shadows" as he tends to work "behind the scenes" as it where. HIs motives may not be noticable at first - but trust me, when you realise his true identity you will know that the world of Draconica is in deep trouble!
Image and personality wise, he's a mixture of the characters Psycho Mantis from Metal Gear Solid, Alucard from Helsing and The Joker from Batman. He's kinda a mixture of the two kinda villains I like - sorta campy and over the top yet really sinister and evil
The costume was put together from various costume pieces over the years, they were all brought from the website Joke.co.uk. I kinda like the way it turned out and hopefully will get a chance to promote it a little more. I like the gas mask especially - very creepy!
Oh and I should point this out even though it should be taken as read - the weapons are NOT real! They are made from plastic and are completely harmless (where am I going to get a real scythe like that anyway? lol). But I think they are pretty cool and fit his demented character perfectly.
This is more an experiment that I hope went well. Please feel free to leave a comment below and any tips you can suggest to improve on it. I'm hoping to have a sketch of him done in the near future.
(Authors note: Due to the content of this blog, I would like to say that the following is based purely on personal opinion and is not intended to offend or be inflammatory. Take it with a pinch of salt).
In the world of films, there are a number of directors I have a huge respect for and admire (such as Chris Nolan, Steven Spielberg, Stanley Kubrick and Francis Ford Coppela to name a few), directors that I’m indifferent to, but still think can do some pretty good films (like Zach Snyder, Edgar Wright and Sam Rami) and also directors that I don’t especially like (Catherine Hardwick, Joel Schumacer, Eli Roth and Uwe Boll). But Michael Bay is a rare type of director for me. He is a director that I LOATHE with a passion!
(Note: I couldn't get any good pics of Mr Bay - But found this pretty good one from Wikipedia, which I think the above sums up my feelings on him).
I hate Michael Bay and everything he stands for! He is, in my eyes, the epitome of everything wrong with Hollywood. His movies might be big on budget and have some pretty cool CGI, but they contain bland, overly stereotypical (and sometimes downright racist and sexist) characters, terrible clichéd dialogue, snail-paced story and vomit inducing camera angles. Everything about a Michael Bay movie just screams “plastic,” pandering to every single cliché or pop culture with the only intention of bringing in money for the studios. Ok, maybe The Rock and Bad Boys were ok, but he hasn’t made a good one since in my eyes!
But the MAIN reason why I hate him? Because he makes a habit of destroying previous franchises when he makes a film of them. Rather than staying true to the source material, he always has to change every single thing about them and transform them into a bastardised version of what they used to be, whether he directs or produces them. Transformers, Friday the 13th, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Nightmare on Elm Street – I could go into detail as to how these versions were totally butchered versions of their original counterparts but I’d be here all day. And don’t even get me STARTED on how he plans to do the next Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film.
In view of this, I decided to create my own game called “The Michael Bay Makeover”. In this game (inspired by an idea by Youtube sensation LittleKuriboh), Michael Bay has decided to make a movie of Trapped on Draconica. Using what I’ve seen in previous Michael Bay movies, I’ve decided to use my own ideas of how I think my book will be adapted – or mutilated! It’s just for fun, but I don’t think what I’ve done here is too far off!
Now, this does require some of you to know the story of Trapped on Draconica so if you haven’t read it yet, you might want to do that first (don’t you love shameless self promotion?). Ok, here we go.
1) Ben will probably be made into an American. This I don’t have a problem with by any means I would actually accept this change. But knowing Mr Bay he will probably make Ben spill out “gangsta slang” every five seconds and become annoying and (possibly) more of a racial stereotype than Jar Jar Binks. (Yes I know Ben does talk modern slang in the book – but with Michael Bay he would probably ram this down our throats).
2) Daniar will probably be changed from a strong heroine to a bitchy, whiny damsel in distress that’s only job is to look pretty from the sidelines. Characters like Rana will probably be omitted completely. After all, we can’t have a strong female lead in a Michael Bay film, can we?
3) By contrast, Kalak will probably be made more heroic – rather than the dark anti-hero that he is.
4) Zarracka will probably be Gothon’s daughter and wear less clothing than she does already purely for the sake of getting more males to drool over her.
5) Emperor Gothon will just be an evil emperor and Mr Bay will remove his motives in the book so that he’s just your standard movie villain. What? Villains that have deep, complex characters in a Michael Bay movie? Perish the thought!
6) The move will be about 3 hours long and 2 hours of that will just be Kalak and Daniar trying to get laid – and Ben being an annoying prat. The story will actually not really move along until about 40 minutes left, whereby they will try and cramp in too much crap at once.
7) It’ll probably turn out that the dragons of Draconica are actually aliens – and no, the dragons are NOT aliens in Trapped on Draconica.
8) The fight scenes will be close up camera shots with quick changes and lots of slow down and speed up.
9) He’ll probably get Linkin Park to do a song in it. Actually, I kinda like Linkin Park so this is one change I’m happy with. Although personally I think Dream Theater would be more suited to this movie.
10) He’ll probably work in something whereby the Baalarian Empire will arrive on Earth and start messing crap up – just for the excuse to have the military come in and have countless explosions. By this point the story will have probably gone on such a tangent that the audience doesn’t care anymore.
11) It will be filmed in 3D to show off the special effects – as will my tears be in 3D as I watch my story being butchered horribly and wondering why I ever sold the rights of my book to Mr Bay.
So those are just MY ideas of what I think Michael Bay would do. And in view of that, I will NOT be selling my book rights to Michael Bay - if he ever asks me that is, which I doubt he will.
How do you think that Michael Bay will turn YOUR book into a film? Please let me know if you have your own Michael Bay makeover ideas. Maybe we can get a little game going!
Thanks for reading guys and have a Happy Easter! For those interested there is still time to take part in the Read2Review Easter competition.